Letter # 101 Am I in a healthy relationship?


Do you know how to tell when you are not with the right person?
I will cut to the chase and answer this one for you.


A relationship is OVER the first time you look at someone else and wonder what it would be like to be with that other person instead of the one you are with.


Something about your current relationship is not meeting all of your needs.


Modern society has all sorts of excuses for why you stay where you are and deal with the problem and in so doing you end up violating another major boundary… being honest with yourself.


The popular excuse is “I love this person so I’m going to work it out.”

This may stem from the concept that a divorce was almost impossible to obtain prior to the mid 1960s… It wasn’t socially acceptable until around 1980…


Riiiiight. Sure you love your partner. You love them like I love chocolate.


There are 8 different words to describe 8 different types of love in the Bible.


Unless you had that “hit-in-the-head-with-a-baseball-bat” type of love I discussed earlier… (2) things: (1) then the titillating feeling of finding a different partner is your inner knowing that the person you are with …isn’t the best match and (2) when you are really in love, the way it is meant to be, you don’t notice anyone but your partner.


People get into wrong relationships all the time and spend the rest of their life trying to make it work.


Who are they trying to please? It’s obviously not the unhappy person in the mirror.


Even a monkey in a laboratory quits trying to put a square peg in a round hole after a certain number of tries. It’s the job of the scientists behind the mirror evaluating the monkey to keep track of the number of tries attempted before the monkey realizes effort after foolishness does not pay off.


I do think some monkeys are smarter than people in certain situations.
Take a gander at the bonobo monkey tribe. A matriarch dominant society that settles their differences using sex. It works, too.


What I want you to realize is that you are responsible for everything that happens in your life.


Responsibility


Technically the word means the ability to respond in a given situation.


I’ve noticed most people think they are responsible.


Even those adult individuals who have sex with toddlers, people who knowingly transmit deadly diseases, the banker who forecloses a house and kicks a family out on the street on Christmas Eve because they are late on the payment, the reporter who refused to do due diligence and parrots a lie, just a few examples of a terribly long list that includes you and me because even we Think we are responsible. Welcome to life… we all fall short of being responsible at some point.


I’m going to circle back to boundaries and communication.
Without appropriate boundaries and communication skills to enforce those boundaries, we end up in less than stellar situations.


Often, we don’t even realize when our own behavior crosses one of our own espoused boundaries.


A perfect example.


The example of that guy ran a red light and hit me… you didn’t have to be in that place at that time.


You could have been somewhere else. I promise you that the small voice inside told you ahead of time to be aware of your surroundings.

Why weren’t you listening? Was the radio more important?

Did your thoughts taking you out of here and now get in the way of being present? Was there some drama from another experience playing in your head that kept you from listening to yourself?


It really doesn’t matter what the subject matter noun is… this is one of the critical life lessons every person needs to accept, understand and thus… be responsible.


There is no such thing as a no fault accident in life.

If you are not present, you are 100% at fault. If you are present you bear half the responsibility for not getting out of the way.

You bear 100% of the responsibility for not taking action to create the solution appropriate for your needs.

This requires communication skills. With yourself! … and with everyone else involved!


Adopt this now and your entire life will be better for it.

Fail to recognize this as a basic premise for life and you will just keep giving away your power. You will keep living in co-dependent relationship disasters and wondering where and when it “all went wrong” while you erroneously look for something or someone else to blame.

Go look in the mirror. Fix that!

You can only attract that which you are.


Healthy people have healthy relationships.
Unhealthy people have unhealthy relationships.


Guess what… healthy people don’t get into relationships with unhealthy people. They stick with their own kind.


To have a healthy relationship, YOU must get healthy first!


If you can’t stand someone else’s bad behavior look and see what commensurate same rotten behavior you have.


Ok, your partner is a drunk and you are not. You are a nagging bitch. Quit pointing fingers. The problem is the same.

The outward problem appears different but the underlying cause is the exact same. You are both morbidly unhappy. The final outcome is the same.

Neither party wants to be around the other one when their inability to cope with the underlying issue results in ugly behavior.

You both have a behavior that needs less positive reinforcement and a life that needs a new skill set.


Circle back to boundaries and communication.


Life is about boundaries and communication.


Master these two items and life will be much more enjoyable.

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coolchange2021

If I'd known these things when I was younger... Oh... the different roads I might have traveled. Its never too late to ensure a better future for someone else when good knowledge is passed around.

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