Sports and other thoughts

Superbowl 53. A break down of unusual proportions


ESPN spent all of Overreaction Monday reminding me that Superbowl Sunday had one of the greatest record-breaking statistics in all of sports.


Nobody can deny that Tom Brady’s lifetime achievements to date aren’t compelling to the point of pure awe. However, when reminiscing the prior 24 or so hours, reading the public reaction on Reality Monday reminds me what Superbowl Sunday was like in our neck of the woods.


With baked good in hand and money on a square, I gathered with old and new friends to imbibe with the best. Who knew this Superbowl matchup would go down in history as possibly the most boring game ever?

Could the hint have been that copious amounts of preselected liquors and cold filtered beer bottles were last drop empty at the start of the fourth quarter? Or that more than half the guests were conversing about such notable topics as their latest kitchen remodels or the changes to their HMO plans?


For the segment that does not love pigskin, watching funny Superbowl commercials have become a score card sideline event. However, this year, we longed for the Mexican avocado laughs of yesteryear and voted the one commercial for girls against men as the meritorious favorite. Sadly, there just weren’t many arrows in the quiver to choose from.


Halftime entertainment is meant to entertain and none of the females at our little annual goalpost gathering were disappointed to watch Adam Levine strip to reveal his love for ink and a California belly but that quickly led to someone pulling out their phone so all could gather around to relive the most awesome halftime ever… the 2007 Prince performance.


Struggling to stay couch bound until the 2 minute warning where both teams actually showed up to play… one of the talking heads just about killed it for me… permanently.

It went a little something like this…
“Stay tuned after the game for the breakdown…”


Breakdown???? Breakdown what??? The three plays that were worth watching? The roughly twelve plays amalgamating the entire highlight reel consisting of 13:32 on YouTube sans celebration? (Celebratory behavior comprising the majority of highlight reels.)


Who could have wanted a little more from this game besides me and all the teledildonics wired patrons expecting a heck of a lot more in the one hour of play ballooned into a highly anticipated four hour extravaganza?


Scorecard: 0-0, 0-3, 3-3, 13-3.

If you were betting over/under… the “unders” definitely won.


In a feeble attempt to restore entertainment to a lackluster bygone event, I would like to breakdown the game, ala Joe Bob Riggs style with a decidedly more cheap seats attention to the show. Your TiVo results may vary from our stopwatch calculations… but this is what we came up with.


In Superbowl 53 you will see:
the lowest number of points EVER recorded on a functional scoreboard for this event


73… # of passing plays attempted
Almost every play… # of flags thrown


More time than were given to playing the game… # of tv seconds spent watching coaches blankly stare at the field


More than RuPauls aggregate number of catwalks… # of tv seconds spent watching officials walk across the field


Enough time to hop a plane and go hunt a real zebra in africa… # of tv seconds officials spent conferring with other officials on the field


Not enough… # of crowd pan shots


Ridiculous… # of times the same four players sitting on the bench were awarded tv moments during this most valuable game


0… # of times we saw cheerleader stunts… maybe the unwritten rule is… if no Dallas cowboys or high school cheerleaders then no pom pom shots…


The coup d’ etat… a shot of a waving American flag on the moon when everybody knows there is NO WIND on the moon.


Sarcasm aside, I’m already in the planning stages for next year’s party.

Cole Change is the editor for Letters2jaminson.com, a blog for teens and parents of teens who seek the brutally honest nuggets of truth about sex, drugs, drinking and teen relationships. All the stuff the author wished she had known prior to being a teenager so better decisions could have been made are now enlightening this generation.